Day 17

Day 17 was also Day 1 of eating right. It wasn't so bad, but I'm hungry still. I didn't wind up going to the gym but I am going in the morning! I feel kind of crappy, like maybe I caught a cold when Juba and Skye were visiting. I don't know. I'm really hoping that I didn't because I dont want to risk getting any sort of infection.

The potty patch is... well one of them peed on it but I picked up more poop today then I have the whole time we've lived here! I think one of them is acting out, unfortunately they both poop about the same so I can't figure out which one it is. I know this is gross, but whatever, I can't talk about it in real life!

After I pay rent and bills and stuff I'm gonna see if I can afford new grown up clothes. By grown up I mean clothes that fit me that havent been destroyed by camp. That way, when I go to get a new job I can wear shoes that aren't stained red and pants that haven't been cut into shorts! I hope I do! Tomorrow is the first of September, which means that this is the month I can really start talking again. Also I only have to wait six days before I have my follow up appointment! And once I know kind of whats going on, I can keep planning my life. I feel good about this weight loss idea. I think that getting skinny will help boost my self esteem for when I move to New York and blah blah blah blah

I kind of don't feel like writing anymore tonight. But I love you all!

Goodnight

Day 16

Today I went to Smith's and spent a very long time buying all sorts of yummy, good-for-me, low sugar, low fat, low carb food for my jump start two week phase one of the South Beach Diet, which I have done before but always for some reason or another bail on. But, meh! You know, they say that it takes like 5 times to quit smoking before a smoker really quits. Well maybe the same applies for overweight people, you have to try, I mean REALLY try to lose weight 5 times before you actually do it. So maybe now is my turn. Actually, no I believe it's my turn. I just did the math and, as usual, it should be a year for me to get to my goal weight... but whatever, I mean I have to wait 6 months to be back to singing again anyway so in the meantime I can eat right, exercise, take a dance class or two, work, save money and then in a year I'll be 100 lbs lighter, have some money in the bank and be on my way to NYC more prepared than ever and hungry for a taste of success and living my dream.

It all sounds great, but I really need support and love and for my friends and family to just say "we believe in you, you can do it".

Also, I bought something called a "potty patch" for the pooches. It's a little piece of fake grass on a tray that you can put out when you're not home or when you're sleeping so the puppies have a place to eliminate so they quit doing it on my carpet. We take them out often, but since I can't talk I have no way of scolding Emma when I catch her pissing in the apartment so for now they get the potty patch. We'll see how this pans out.

I bought sneakers today too so I have shoes to wear when I go to the gym in my apartment complex. I want to go swimming too but there's always people there and I dont want to be rude but I dont want to talk to them... and I dont want them in my way. So tomorrow i"m going to go during work/school hours and hope that no one will be there!

That's all that's going on in the not-so-fabulous life of me!

p.s. I want more feathers in my hair

An afterthought...

Just because I'm not there yet doesn't mean I wont be there.

Sure, it wasn't my plan to get a cyst and be out of the game for a while.

Sure, I haven't been in a show since March 2010.

But that doesn't mean that I am giving up or that I have any less faith in myself than I ever did.

I am not happy that I'm not there yet, but I am truly blessed to have people in my life who believe in me and believe that I will get better and be better than ever before. And more importantly, those same people will love me and respect me even if I never get better.

This all sucks so much because this is what I feel I was born to do and I have never wanted to do anything else as badly as this. This isn't just a dream. I want this so bad.

And even if I fully heal that doesn't mean that I'm magically going to get jobs. Or that moving across the country is going to be as easy for me as it's been for some of my peers.

I just dont want to get stuck here. I just want me, Kenneth and our dogs to sell all of our shit and drive to New York and be poor but happy together.

I think that 15 days, halfway through this 30 day process, is kind of like the "wednesday" of my experience. And the next couple days are going to be this huge emotional hurdle for me to try and get over.

Goodnight

Day 14 & 15

Unfortunately this is going to be a very short entry for two whole days. Mostly because it's late and I'm tired!

Yesterday, Kenneth and I went to Kelly and Kelsey Ann's wedding ceremony. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was really happy that I got to be there. I made the decision early on that I wouldn't go to the baseball game/reception afterward because it would be too tempting to speak and would just be difficult in general, but it was nice to see them and some other familiar faces who gave me lots of love and support. Then I went home and slept for like 5 hours. I don't know why I was so tired, I just was. Oh, but I was proud of myself because I wore heels! Yeehaw. I need to get better at wearing those.

Today I went to get sushi with my mom and matt and we got such horrible service that we left before our food came (dont worry we waited over an hour before we came to this conclusion) and went to Java Joes instead. It was nice to get to see them but I wish Amy could've been there because I miss her! My mom gave me the hard copies of the pictures of my vocal chords from after my surgery and something I saw that I couldn't see in the facebook version is the big slice down the side of my vocal chord where they took the cyst out. It really grossed me out and made me sad. I hope that I'm healing up well and I am anxious to see my doctor to know where to go from here.

Kenneth and I are starting the South Beach Diet again in a couple of days. I have said this several times, and every time I've been on it I've lost weight, but I always abandon it for some reason or another. But now I dont feel like I have any excuses. I dont do anything, and it's easy enough to maintain once I get a job and all. Also, in the long run it will be cheaper because we wont be eating out as often- if at all. Not that Kenneth needs to lose any more weight, he lost like four belt notches at camp, but he loves me and wants to support me and all.

Once I start the diet I will start documenting my food on here too, that way I keep track of what I'm eating and how much and all.

Today I came home and one of my dogs had broken into a giant bag of epsom salt that I left in the bathroom and eaten most of it and left the rest all over the carpet. Thankfully neither of them have the runs, but I can't say I'm not terrified of the outcome of tiny dogs eating epsom salt.

So I guess this is actually an average sized blog post- there you go! Kenneth and I just watched "Your Highness" and it was super super hilarious. Now I'm going to go to bed!

Oooooh, and I just went online shopping for grown-up clothes and it's looking like it'll be about $400, which isn't so bad. That'll be for a lot of pants, a skirt, a new coat for the winter and some classy tops/cardigans, and a pair of shoes and some other stuff. I'm almost done getting rid of more than 3/4 my old wardrobe, I just have one more box (a big box, but only one more!) of my old clothes. Maybe that'll be my mission for tomorrow. Tackle that giant box of old clothes!

Day 13

Today I hung out with Juba and Skye, well mostly Juba- Skye went shoe shopping with her mom. I hope she got some good shoes. I need some new shoes. I need new everything. All of my shoes have been destroyed by camp, and again I have been thinking about how I need to update my wardrobe, just a little.

I went out to dinner with my mom and Matt. It was nice to see both of them. I was really annoyed by the family sitting next to us because they were talking so loud. I never used to be bothered by stuff like that because usually I'm the loud one in restaurants. Also they were talking about hot yoga and since I used to do that so frequently it made me quite aware of my aches, pains and the jiggle in my belly that all came back since I stopped. There's no way I'm going back until it starts getting a little chillier though. It is almost too hot for regular temperature working out, let alone 105 degree working out. Well, at least in my opinion. Also, I need to have a job so I can pay for a yoga membership again.

Still not talking, still doing pretty good. Going to Kelly & Kelsey Ann's wedding tomorrow which should be nice. I told them that I wouldn't miss the ceremony for the world but that the reception might be too much (I might be too tempted to speak, also it's a baseball game so the added pressure of cheering and what not) but it will be nice to get all dolled up with Kenneth and go watch a wedding ceremony.

My mom told me today she likes my blogs a lot. And I like her a lot so that's good.

Day 12

I have really bad luck with going to movie theaters. Tonight we all went out to see that new movie "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" and we were sitting in front of the most annoying girls. They just talked and laughed through the whole thing. Whatever. It was a pretty movie, and a lot more fantasy than I expected. I liked it, but it wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be.

I spoke a little more today than I did yesterday. It's amazing how exhausting speaking is, now that I've had this rest. I think I am going to not talk at all again tomorrow. It's easier, less pressure and I've gotten good at it.

Tonight's is a short blog entry because I'm really tired. Oh! But also, I have a noisy neighbor! When I saw him the first time I was relieved because he's this older guy, like late 40's, maybe mid- 50's, but as it turns out- he loves listening to really loud, really obnoxious techno club music late into the night. Kenneth called the apartment security on his ass and he's quieted down, but I'm going to make sure to tell on him every time he does this because I'm sorry but some of us want to sleep at night. If you want to listen to terrible music really loudly, go to a club. This does NOT make me an old lady, this makes me someone who likes to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Goodnight!

Day 11

Today was the official start of phase two of my recovery. The first 10 days are over and we are on day one of the 20 day phase, but to keep things from getting confusing I will just say that it's day 11... because it is.

Today was productive. I checked in with my UNM stuff to make sure I was still registered and good to go. Worked a little on math, worked a lot on my cabaret and cleaned the house.

I am in the process of creating a one-woman show/cabaret thing. I don't know exactly what it's going to be yet, but since this whole situation began I thought it would be an interesting story to tell. I thought it would be interesting, funny and touching to do a musical show about not being able to use your voice. I have ideas, like I want to show the "surgery" using stop motion animation (I'll draw it- it might be cool). I want a whole song to be lip synched or written out on a white board and purely pantomimed. It's still in a VERY early stage right now, I'm still just looking for songs that I want to sing. Gilbert directed me to a couple websites where I can look at archives of musicals and find new musical theatre songs. The new musical theatre website is really cool but some of the songs you can't listen to them before you buy the music which I find bizarre. You'd think that they would at least have an itunes style sampler thingy or something so you know what you're getting. So I'm also trying to find them on youtube and blah blah blah, it's a long process. Also, it's insane because almost every song written for my voice type is BIG. I can't have a 45 minute show that's just crazy belting the whole time. It would be exhausting! So, yeah if anyone has any ideas for songs I could sing let me know. They don't have to be girl songs or type specific at all.

So today was the first day that I was allowed to talk, but I was too scared, so I made sure that I was too busy by myself to be able to talk out loud. This evening, however, Kenneth and I went to the grocery store and on the way out he told me that he didn't think I could out the way I was going and I shook my head at him. Then, when I found out he was right I said, "You're right". It felt strange. Not because I was saying Kenneth was right- but because I was saying anything at all. It felt different. Kenneth says my voice sounds different- younger. He says that he wonders how long I had Cystina because he doesn't remember the last time I sounded like that. I don't know if there's that much of a difference, but then again I might just not notice because it's coming out of me... and I'm too scared to talk more to find out what he's talking about.

Tomorrow I am going to make a budget for next month and see how much I'm gonna need, then I'm going to do more math and try to hit the gym. Then me, Kenneth, Diana and Ryan are going to go see that new Guillermo del Toro movie, "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark". We are ready to have our pants scared off!

Also- Ben and Jerry makes a new ice cream that has chocolate covered potato chip clusters in it. What?!

Day 10

Phase one is over!

Tomorrow begins phase two meaning it wont matter as much if I slip up and say a couple words a day. I am going to try not to talk at all still but instead start doing little tiny vocal exercises once a day. Like "buh duh guh". I don't know yet. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I think I'm too scared to try to talk.

Today, Diana and I went to the river with the dogs and a picnic of summer sausage, babybel cheese, whole wheat dinner rolls, limonata soda and grapes. We threw the dogs in the river and I laughed so hard (well you know, without making sounds) but it was pretty hysterical. I think the dogs like the river better than my dads swimming pool.

I'm exhausted, it's been a fun- but long day. Tomorrow I'm going to do math homework until my eyes fall out of my head.

Day 9

I am surprised and in mild disbelief that tomorrow is the last day of phase one of my recovery. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself throughout this process, more than I think I was ready for. The other day when I was at my dad's house, my stepmom told me that I had a chance to "live in my head" and that it was good for me. I think it has been good for me. I have been living my life with a whole lot of saying things before I really think about them. I wonder how much I've said that really needed to be said! I don't think that I'm going to stop talking forever or start being like "Silent Bob" or anything, but I do think that in the future I will be more mindful of what I'm saying.

Today me and Diana went to the Herb Store and got feathers put in our hair. Apparently they only do it on Tuesdays between 2:15-3:45, which is the only reason we didn't wait for Skye to get into town to do it. The next time she's in town on Tuesday between 2:15-3:45 I want to take her to get hers though! They are really fun and I think they're pretty. On the way to the Herb Store the marker for my dry erase board totally died, so Diana had to be my voice. Diana told the woman who puts the feathers in my "tale" so to speak. About how I had the surgery and I can't talk for a while and how I'm a singer so it's a really big deal. The woman was sympathetic. She said "I guess it makes you realize what a vocal culture we are". And she's right, it is very difficult to function without the use of your voice. There are a lot of things I can do, but as far as participating with the rest of the world, it's very very difficult.

But I had a really good day. Diana and I watched the rest of season 4 of Dexter and then Kenneth joined us for a fun, mild little walk in the park. We're already making plans for the rest of the week. I'm happy that I finally feel like I want to leave the house and I'm not just totally depressed all the time!

I am excited to hear my voice again... when the time is right. I wonder if I'll sound different, if I'll even notice a difference.

Day 8

So, yesterday I said that I was going to be productive today and instead I accidentally woke up at noon and then messed around all day, but it's okay! Kenneth and I got Chinese take out and then I got to see Gilbert for a little bit. I'm letting him borrow my old camera because he's taking photography this semester. I'm really excited for him, and hope that he loves it as much as I do! It was so great to see him, he brought me flowers and a card. It was really nice to see him, I've missed him a lot. I miss all of my friends. I do feel bad though because without being able to talk there isn't much for me to do as far as entertaining goes.

Almost a third of the way done! Whoo!

So far, I'm pretty proud of myself. When I first saw an ENT and he thought I had a nodule and suggested vocal rest, I really only didn't talk at school but talked at home. It really wasn't vocal rest at all. But this whole time I've been really good. I hope that it all pays off.

I've been watching the Glee Project on Oxygen and I watched the season finale this afternoon. The premise of the show is that they get a bunch of people my age to sing and dance around in front of Glee producers and every week one of them gets kicked off. It's like idol but only the Glee producers vote and the winner gets a 7 episode guest run on Glee, which really could turn into anything. Now, a lot of my friends don't even like Glee. I like Glee because I pretty much love anything that involves singing (even HSM sometimes, guilty pleasure- don't judge!) but mostly I have just been watching this show thinking "I could totally do this, I could be on this show. I'm just as good a dancer as all these kids... a better singer and actor than most of them..." And usually I don't feel that way but I did when I watched this show. Well, until this afternoon when I watched the finale. For some reason I got this nervous feeling. I dunno, if my voice is better by the time the next auditions roll around I might try to get a group of people together to go audition with me. I like the idea better than that of Idol or even The Voice because the winner gets an acting job out of it.

So I promised to talk more about my vocal chords today. I thought I would post the three pictures I have of my vocal chords. This first one is before I was treated for Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD). You can see that my chords kind of look like globs of red silly puddy. They're really inflamed and bumpy. So inflamed that we couldn't exactly see what Cystina was. The first ENT I went to, Dr. Frost, believed her to be a vocal nodule, that would go away with rest and time. The image is also really crooked because I was so inflamed throughout my nasal cavity that they had to twist the scope around just to get a look at my vocal chords.

This next picture is from three weeks later after intensive treatment began. I was taking 2 different Acid Reflux medications a day, plus a liquid antacid before bed. No eating three hours before bedtime, and the head of my bed was elevated. I also went on my "rest" where I didn't talk during school hours. I was really hoping it would solve all of my problems. You can see in this second picture that the swelling went down significantly, but you can now clearly see Cystina. Again this picture is crooked because of the camera angle.

The last picture is the picture my surgeon and new ENT, Dr. Olson took after he removed Cystina. This was taken with a completely different camera, so the coloring is different. You can, though, see that there is far less swelling in this picture even though they just removed the cyst and there is a big ol' breathing tube shoved down my throat. I think they're looking pretty good if you ask me! Also, I'm pretty sure this image is upside down. But whatever.

After my follow up appointment, hopefully I will have a new picture so you all can keep up with my healing progress. I'm supposed to have an appointment with my speech pathologist in a week, but I vaguely remember after surgery my mom telling me that Dr. Olson didn't seem to think that was a good idea. But I can't call anyone to find out what's going on so hopefully they will talk to Kenneth. I dont want to miss any appointments! Also, I don't know where my follow up is with Dr. Olson, because I met him in pre-op at the UNM Main Hospital, but I vaguely remember after surgery someone mentioning something about the offices at Academy... I don't know. I'll find out though!

So there you go, a catch up on my day and some gross pictures of my vocal chords!

Day 7

Today was a super great day. While I didn't do anything productive (like my math homework or working out or anything like that) I got to see my Daddy and Becki. I didn't realize how desperately I needed to leave the house until this afternoon when I did it. We hung out, watched a movie (Life As We Know It- it made me cry like four times) went swimming, ate, drank coffee, and even did some chatting (well as much as I can "chat" with a white board). Afterward, Kenneth and I went to go see Horrible Bosses at the movie theater and I could hardly contain myself, I wanted to laugh out loud SO BAD.

I LOVE LAUGHING. And I'm good at it. In fact, if there was a professional laughing career, I think I could do it the best. I could be an award winning laugher.

So, that's something else I'm looking forward to doing after this is all over with- laughing. I want to go somewhere with my mom and laugh so hard we embarrass the other people we're with. She's a good laugher too, I think she's where I got it from.

And after it's all said and done, I came home, took a bath and curled up in bed with my corgi to write my blog. So, while I still have feelings, I did have a very very good day today. I look forward to tomorrow being filled with productivity, with a little time in the afternoon to go swimming.

Love,

Me

p.s. as a graduation gift, Jessica gave me this shampoo/conditioner from Aveda and I'm addicted to the way it smells and how good it makes my hair feel. So, while I'm sure I can't afford it, I'm gonna have to get me some more of it. It makes my hair smell so good I want to eat it. And she got me this volumizer stuff that makes my hair SO BIG. It's magic. Magic Aveda crap. It's going on my Christmas list. My Christmas list this year will be very specific. This is how it's going so far. (in no particular order)

1.) Magic Aveda crap (i.e. shampoo, conditioner, volumizing crap)

2.) Perfume- Euphoria by Calvin Klein (favorite ever, just ran out of a bottle I've have for two years. In fact, I don't even wear perfume except this one and I've only used it for special occasions or when I'm feeling pretty. But I LOVE IT)

3.) Money...

I'm sure there will be more, good thing it's still only August. Okay that was a long tangent about Christmas. I'm going to bed. GOODNIGHT!

I'll do more talking about my vocal chords tomorrow I promise.

Day 6

Today was another okay day. I did a lot of laundry, cleaned the house, organized Kenneth's closet and made dinner for us. Ranch chicken with rice and broccoli. It was all soft enough for me to eat and was nice because it was real food. Also it felt good to cook again.

I'm starting to get to a place where I'm getting out of my post-op delirium and am starting to think about whats going to happen after this. I need to finish my math class, reapply for graduation, get a good-enough job that wont make me want to kill myself and still leave enough time for my side projects (photography, fixing my voice, etc.)

I want to work for a photographer to help me learn more about it, make connections, get professional experience... but I don't have a clue as to how to go about doing that. Do I just show up at studios and say "hey! I'm kind of good at this, wanna hire me?" I don't know squat about doing anything like this. I just know that I dont have any desire to work in a restaurant or fast food (kill me now). Maybe a grocery store or retail or something, but even then... maybe I should work on writing a resume first. Not an acting resume, the other kind haha.

Also I need to buy some "grown up clothes". Like slacks and shit. That way when I go to interview for places I can dress like I didn't just roll out of camp.

Also, today is a "food makes me angry" day. Because I love food. I love eating it. I love making it. I love everything about it- except that too much of it makes/keeps me fat. And that is a little bit of bullshit.

Oh yeah, so I'm still not talking. Day 6! It's getting a little easier, but I miss talking to Kenneth. I can't wait until I can talk again so I can say "I love you" out loud.

Day 5

Today I feel like I'm jumping out of my skin. I kept waking up last night feeling panicked because I kept having these dreams that I was talking- just like everything was normal. I would talk and talk and talk and then realize that I'm not supposed to be talking. And then in the dream I would try singing just to make sure I didn't ruin or break anything. Of course then I would be even more worried. I woke up and wondered if there had been any chance that I had been saying any of this stuff in my sleep.

Mostly I'm just really really bored. And I really want to be singing. I don't think that I realized just how much I sing when I'm bored. I am always making up songs... singing to my dogs, singing along to songs I love, or even songs I don't know at all. I don't care I just want to sing.

Of course it's already day 5! And from an optimistic standpoint, the worst is halfway over with!

Today I did my hair and make up and took pictures of myself and then used picnik to make them look cool. I thought it was really funny and it reminded me a lot of myself in High School when, for me, that was almost every weekday. Here is my favorite (and the most hilarious) of the series I took. I might post just one of the boring pretty ones as my facebook profile pic, but for now, here is the most hilarious.

Oh and P.S. I rewatched "The Social Network" last night and I don't know why it just makes me NOT like facebook. I mean, I love facebook, I like that its a good way for me to stay in touch with the people I love, but the guy who made it up is just so sad and... mean. Ugh, whatever. Okay here is a funny picture of me and hopefully something more interesting will happen tomorrow:

Day 4

Today I went to the grocery store. We were running out of toilet paper and all I had left in my fridge was juice so I went. Kenneth was at work so I grabbed my white erase board and hit the road. Shopping was just about as boring as shopping usually is, but checking out was pretty fun- only because I had to talk to the clerk via white board.

He was polite and didn't ask any questions.

Mostly I just feel bored, I think that I spend a lot of my time talking to myself or talking to my dogs or singing and not being able to do any of that is starting to drive me a little crazy. I constantly am in my head, sleeping a lot... I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm ready for this to all be over!

Days 1-3

Hello and welcome to the Jennifer Walkowiak 30 Day No-Voice Challenge! As some of you may have guessed this is a spoof of the 30 Day Full-Voice Challenge that I participated in, in January. During the Full-Voice Challenge, we were challenged to practice our singing every day, eat well, learn how to dance... exercise... you know, things that are all good for people who want to be professional singers/actors/dancers to do. Most of my friends who participated in this challenge were incredibly successful. They all learned so much about themselves and I watched as all of them became stronger singers and performers. But it was during this 30-Day Challenge that I discovered a little friend of mine who I have named Cystina Aguilera.

Cystina is (or I guess I should say, was) a cyst living on my right vocal fold. Cystina has been making my life hell for about a year. She has been keeping me from singing to my full potential and because of the extra strain I was using trying to continue to sing well with Cystina in the way, I lost my voice constantly.

After many runs to the ENT in Alamogordo and a visit to the Speech Pathologist at UNM, we all concluded that Cystina was not going away unless we forced her out. And so we did, three days ago at UNM, Dr. Olson, my surgeon, removed Cystina from my right vocal fold.

Dr. Olson cut a small slit in the mucosa around the cyst and scooped her out, leaving the flap of mucosa on my vocal fold to heal without stitches or anything. They said that stitches would make for more swelling and scarring, which we really can't afford any of. Scarring on my vocal chords could cause permanent damage and result in poor vocal quality- and we can't have any of that either.

So here is the challenge: 10 days of absolute vocal rest followed by 20 days of limited vocal use. So far I have made it 3 days, with 7 more to go. But even after the 10 days is over, I'm still not really supposed to do much talking for the rest of those 20 days. So I dunno...

basically, I am going to blog about my experience with these 30 days of vocal rest. And maybe I'll mention what I'm eating or how I'm exercising and blah blah blah, but mostly it's because I hope that at least some of you care how I'm doing and this way I can let everyone know all at once.

So here you go! Today, I am feeling okay. My throat hurts but mostly only when I swallow or cough. I really hope that I stop coughing soon because I am really worried that the coughing is doing some serious damage. It's not like really bad coughing, but you know, I don't think any amount of coughing is good. The muscles in my neck don't hurt as much today as they did yesterday or when I got home from the hospital. Mostly I am bored and tired. I have had some visitors which has been nice, but I'm pretty boring without being able to talk so I haven't been very entertaining or anything.

I'm worried about ruining my voice forever. I am worried about what is going to happen after the 30 days is over. What will I sound like? Who will be around me? What friends will I have left?

I could go on and on, but I'll save some ranting and worrying for later days.

Here are my goals for this Challenge:

1. To go 30 days without speaking, or speaking minimally when I'm allowed

2. To lose a little weight, like 10 lbs would be cool

3. To finish my math class and reapply for graduation

4. To begin work on a cabaret

5. To relax and make a plan for my life after college

That's all I've got for today!