Before & After

Day 30- THE END... kind of

I just spent some time and read the first entry I posted in this blog. It was interesting to see how much has changed and how much can happen in 30 Days. I had no idea what I was in for and was very scared. Now I am less scared, but every now and then I do get very antsy and worry that I might be talking too much. I have to calm down and remind myself that I am allowed to talk and that if I don't I could develop a phobia! And any sort of phonophobia could greatly hurt my recovery.

In my first entry I made a list of goals for my "30 Day Challenge"

1. To go 30 days without speaking, or speaking minimally when I'm allowed

2. To lose a little weight, like 10 lbs would be cool

3. To finish my math class and reapply for graduation

4. To begin work on a cabaret

5. To relax and make a plan for my life after college

I can say, with all honesty that I went the entire 30 days without speaking or speaking minimally when I'm allowed! And for those who were making bets or keeping score, I officially went 10 whole days without saying a word. On the eleventh day I said two words and spent several more days not speaking at all. After my follow up appointment with Dr. Olson I have been speaking more regularly, as I am allowed 5-10 minutes an hour, or I guess I'm allowed more now haha! I am really antsy and want to sing REALLY BAD, it's pretty much all I want to do, and it's taking every last ounce of will power I have to not open my mouth and let it all out. I greatly look forward to the day I can start singing, even gently. I still have not heard from Cara Sauder or anyone from her office. I may have to take matters into my own hands and call her myself. I think I can check this item off my list.

As far as losing a little weight goes, I forgot to weigh myself today but I don't really think the exact pounds matter so much as how I feel and the changes I've made to my lifestyle. I know it takes longer than 30 days to make a lifestyle change, but it's a good start. I have been working out every day, some days at the gym and sometimes I practice yoga at home. I have changed my eating habits and have been watching portions. I have been training in acrobatic yoga with Diana several times a week. I think that matters more than how many pounds I lost. So I will cross this item off my list as well.

I worked very hard on my math class, but it's not done yet. It will be done in the next 20 days. I have also reapplied for graduation. So I cannot cross this entirely off the list, but I did work on it some!

I have begun work on my cabaret in the sense that I started collecting songs. I know what I want to do, I just need to really figure out how to connect it all into a cohesive theme and plan and plan. I still need to do as much work as I can without singing. I think I didnt work on it as hard as I wanted to because I have kind of stopped looking at myself as a singer... because I havent done it in so long. I know that I am a singer and that I will sing again... but it's going to take a lot of time to rebuild my confidence and relearn all my technique.

I've certainly done a lot of relaxing since my surgery, and now it's time for me to get off my ass and figure out my life. My plan is to get any sort of job doing anything and save money and move me and my family (boyfriend/dogs) to NYC in August 2012. It's not a very glamorous plan, but it's my plan and I'm sticking with it .

I think the most important thing I have learned these past 30 days is that I have to remain hopeful and optimistic... I spent a lot of my time being worried and nervous and preparing for the worst. And it was no way to spend my time recovering. The happiest I was the past 30 days was when I wasn't thinking about the outcome and was just spending time with people who love me.

I have a long way to go from here. I still have a lot of healing to do. I have to relearn how to speak and sing. I have to get a job and start putting away for our big move next year. But I think that in the past 30 days I have made good use of my time and can now move forward with confidence in myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Thank you all so much for reading the past 30 days. It means a lot that I have so many people who care about me and my recovery. I look forward to reconnecting with you all and eventually to sing with some of you! It's weird not being in school and not getting to see all of my friends every day. Some of my friends have moved away already, and I wish them the best and brightest. I can't wait to one day be there with them. I could not have done any of this without the love and support of my friends and family. Thank you all so so so much.

Goodnight :)

Day 29

Today Kenneth and I went to a couple bookstores with two giant rubbermaids full of books. The first bookstore took like 5 books and gave us $13 and the other bookstore took another 5 books and would only give us $13 is store credit and wouldn't give us any cash for them. So I got really super frustrated. I never knew I would get so emotional about books. But I mean... I have read and loved these books for years and years. I dont know, maybe I expected them to see these books as the treasures that I see them as and I was sorely disappointed that they weren't as excited about them as I was. I don't know. I was pissed.

It wasn't really that big of a deal, but for some reason it got to me. I think that I'm starting to get frustrated and scared that I'm running out of money. I DON'T want to keep spending my college money. I want to save that for our move to New York next year. And it's not very much money anymore ANYWAY, so I just want to pretend like I don't have it. I'm calling Whole Foods tomorrow to see what they say about my application. Depending on how those phonecalls go (because I applied to 2 locations) I might go in later this week to check in, in person.

Tomorrow is the last day of my blog- I promise to make it very profound and conclusive!!!

Day 28

Today I felt like something was off. I just had a head ache all day and was really sleepy and sore. I did some living room yoga using fitness tv on demand instead of going to the gym, and it was good. But mostly I just laid around and felt kind of dumpy. I'm going to sell some old books tomorrow to make a little bit of cash and make a little bit of room in my apartment. I hope that I get to falling asleep a little earlier today so that I can wake up at a normal time tomorrow and get to being useful.

Today was the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and like everyone else in the world, I spent some time today remembering. On September 11, 2001 I stayed home sick from school. My mom went to work early and I was watching tv when the news came on. And it was on every channel. And I flipped through the channels so fast I didn't even know or care why it was on every channel I was just annoyed that I couldn't watch tv. So I put in Godspell, a musical that my mom had been trying to get me to watch for a while and I watched only a few minutes of it before turning it back to regular tv and seeing what was going on in the world. And even though at this time in my life I didnt even know what the World Trade Center was, what purpose it served... I didn't know anyone in New York and didn't even know that one day I would dream of living there... I cried. And I had no idea what was going on. I just saw things on fire and I dont think that even the newscasters knew what was going on or who was responsible. I called my mom to make sure she was watching... and then I took deep breaths and calmed down, and finished Godspell. I LOVED Godspell, but of course now every time I watch it I think of 9/11.

It's not an extraordinary story, but it's mine.

Something else freaky, is the film version of Godspell (with Victor Garber as Jesus) is filmed in New York City and at the very end of the number "It's All For the Best" it pops to a shot of the twin towers and holds there for a moment. It was very eerie

Goodnight everyone!

Day 27

This post is for yesterday, I will post one later today that counts for today.

It is nearing the end of my 30 day journey and I really thought that I would have something more profound to say by now... ack, I'll save this intellectual crap for Day 28's post!

Yesterday I skipped the gym because Diana was coming over for more acro yoga and I knew my body could only handle one or the other, but Skye came over too. Skye lives in Socorro now and I don't get to see her often, so I was happy that she was coming. But, I didnt even know she was in town and I would have worked out at the gym if I had known she was coming over to do yoga with us. The other day when it was just me and Diana we trained non-stop for about 2 1/2 hours and it was really a great strength workout. But yesterday, I did a lot of spotting and watching them do it. Not complaining, I still had fun playing with my friends, but I'm trying to do something good for me every day and yesterday I didnt really do anything and today I'm feeling icky. So in a little bit I'm gonna hit the gym.

I filled out an online application for Whole Foods last night. The one on Academy/Wyoming and the one on Indian School/Carlisle. I'm nervous now, I forgot how scary trying to get a job can be. It's like...when do I call? Should I go in? What should I wear? What should I say? I remember when I was in High School and I got an interview at Applebee's to be a hostess and I went in there and I looked great and I gave em all I got and I thought it went really well and they went with someone else. And I never knew why, I thought I did really great in that interview. I guess it's like auditioning, but unfortunately I can't submit a headshot and acting resume to Whole Foods and I certainly can't go in singing/dancing for my interview.

An interview that I don't actually have yet so I should probably stop freaking out.

That's all for yesterday! I will post later for Day 28!

Day 25 & 26

I felt pretty bad about not posting last night but I was so exhausted I had to go to sleep. Which is a relief because lately I have been having a hard time falling asleep and waking up way too late!

Yesterday and today I worked out on the elliptical machine for 45 minutes. Yesterday I did some weight sets and when Kenneth came home we went on a nice long walk with the dogs, which was really good for them. We've been doing these puny walks since we've been back from camp and Sebastian has gained weight and they've both seemed really sad. Then I cleaned my apartment like none other and watched "It" for the first time in my life. It was really scary! Even though it's older and older horror movies tend to be campy, no matter how serious they are trying to be (okay sometimes they are worse when they are trying to be serious) but this one really and honestly gave me the creeps. It was really long and I fell asleep right at the end and need to rewatch it to figure out what the hell happens. And then I sleepily logged on to facebook to apologize but I wasn't going to be posting.

Today I went to the gym and then Diana came over for some more acro-yoga. We went out in the lawn at my apartment complex with a blanket and my laptop for some music and wound up playing with a little girl neighbor of mine. Her mom was really sweet and the little girl had fun showing off her gymnastic skills (she's 4, so she was mostly making it all up!) and me and Diana played around with new "tricks". It was so much fun and I'm coming to find that lifting my friend in the air with my legs is a really great ab work out! I think we're going to play more tomorrow and for the sake of my body not crapping out on me I am going to skip the gym tomorrow!

I need to get a job- bad. I finally ordered my "grown up clothes" and they should be here soon. I'm gonna apply to work at Whole Foods and find some other places to apply at. I want to get a job doing anything before I start going around to photographers because I want to have some sort of steady form of income soon. I've never known what it's like to actually not have any money and now I do! Kenneth says it's good for me.

My voice feels really good today, and I talked a lot today (not more than I'm allowed, but still alot). No one from Cara's office has called me yet to make appointments with me so I'm going to email her tomorrow (even though she might not get it until Monday) and see what's going on with that.

Still eating good, working out (as you can CLEARLY see!) and doing my math... missing theatre and all my friends that do theatre (other than Diana because I've seen her a bunch!) I can't wait to get back up on that stage and blow everyone away.

But honestly, with how quickly this has felt I hope that the next few months will just fly by and I'll be back up there in no time.

Day 24

Today I got to spend a lot of time with Diana and it made me think a lot about ideas for my future. She and I played around with some "acro yoga", which is basically doing partner yoga where you flip around and hold each other in the air and stuff. Having good stretchy hamstrings really helped me out tonight! We are going to get together often to practice acro yoga and hopefully get better at it. Diana and I both have a love of yoga and it was really cool to look up videos of acro yoga because of the coolest women we found doing it was a larger woman. I really miss yoga and I've been doing some poses before and after I do my cardio workouts because it's really super good for me and helps me not to get sore and stuff.

ANYWAY, Diana has this plan to, sometime in February or next spring, take an intensive to become a certified yoga instructor. Now I may not be ready in February for something like this, but I believe in yoga and know that I have a passion/talent for it, and also it is something that can move with me when I move. SO- I will work really extra hard to become stronger and more familiar with technical terms and practice some yoga every day (and go back to Blissful Spirits once I've established myself with a job and it cools off a little outside, I can't IMAGINE doing hot yoga while it's still hot outside) and then maybe come February I will be able to take that step. I want to keep doing yoga for the rest of my life, I never felt better about myself then when I'm doing yoga or performing. So why not? And hell, I'm not stupid, I know that I have a long way to go and have to work really hard to get the body I want, but I think that since I'm working towards being prepared to be a stronger yogi and not just to lose weight, it will be easier and less emotional. I think it's a great idea, so I'm gonna keep up with it!

I think I'm going to apply at Whole Foods and work on getting a portfolio together and once I have some money saved up, start going to photographers. I am going to make a time-line for myself, set expectations and goals and deadlines. So my first one is by the end of the month to have a job. I think Whole Foods would be a good job to have because I can work in an environment that doesn't require me to use my voice excessively (like it would if I worked in childcare) and I would get at least a 20% on good-for-me foods and the 365 brand of dog food is full of good stuff for the pups and is way cheaper than other organic and mostly meat brands you can get at Petsmart and whatnot. I think that surrounding myself with healthy minded people and having these goals to become stronger and more disciplined will really help me.

I'm still eating well every day, it is much easier to eat well now that I'm not in school. It's like I don't have any excuses anymore.

Oh- and Dad! I did four math assignments today!

Day 23

Today was the day! I finally had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Olson and got to see Cara Sauder (my speech pathologist) again. I was a little worried because they called a couple times and told me to come in at 1:30 and I got to the hospital at 1:25ish but the parking structure was HELL and I had a really hard time finding a spot and I didn't sign in until almost 1:50 (appointment was at 2:00) and a nurse called me in before I had even registered or something. But I got there and got into my exam room no problem. My pulse was a little high (because I had just jogged there!) and I was very nervous.

I feel like I've been doing a good job of not talking too much, although it was a little difficult when Daniella came over the other day (when I took her pictures) for me to direct her and make her feel comfortable without talking and the day after I felt really guilty for having talked as much as I did.

But, right off the bat Dr. Olson and Cara both thought that my voice sounded really good! Dr. Olson said that he was so happy for me because he knows that I was really worried about voice loss or damage and I did such a good job taking care of myself throughout all this.

Some interesting news about Cystina- even though she looked like a bubble full of liquid she was actually solid and hard. BUT, the great news about it is she was non-cancerous and no further surgery is necessary for the present.

Cara scoped me and even though I had some phlegm (allergies are kicking my ass!) she seemed impressed with the amount of healing I've done since the surgery. There is still some swelling and stiffness, but my chords "vibrate beautifully" (Dr.O) and have really good closure for only being 3 weeks in.

Cara gave me a nice post-surgical voice care sheet that I wish I would have had from Day 1 but it's okay because I have it now! It looks like I've been doing everything right so far and in a couple weeks I can start working (gently) on my singing again. Already I can tell that my singing voice is going to be dramatically different in tone and pitch. I believe that I will be able to sing higher notes. I just hope that I don't lose the richness and "soul" that some have told me makes my voice special and unique. I will be seeing Cara often for the next couple of months and I hope that I will be singing pretty and working on new projects and ready to maybe audition for some summer stock. I hope that when the time comes that I can start taking voice lessons again that Lina is available or I can figure something out with Kurt.

I don't really know what's going on with Kurt, just that he's really busy and (as far as I know) staying in NYC this fall/winter. And Lina I haven't seen/heard from in a very long time. It's really hard to get a hold of anyone because everyone is so busy all the time with their lives!

I need to get some photos printed for a photography portfolio, just so I have something to show (if asked) when I go to beg for jobs from photographers. And I have no shame, I'm gonna go everywhere, even like wal-mart and sears. But ideally I could work for someone like Kim Jew (he has a Eubank location right by my apartment), even if (and I doubt I would be) I'm not taking pictures, I could always do ANYTHING ELSE just to get my foot in the door.

I'm gonna get some grown-up clothes soon. By grown-up clothes I just mean some nice slacks, tops and shoes that make me look like I'm not in college anymore- towards the end there I was rocking the "frumpmaster fresh" look, as I called it. Which was pretty consistently leggings or sweat pants, t-shirts, sweatshirts and ponytails. Now I'm trying to look nice and neat when I leave the house and I think it will help me get jobs. Just as soon as that money goes through I'm all over it!

Kenneth applied to work for ARCA and I hope he gets to start working there soon because I know he wants to work for a company he can trust to always pay him on time and learn new things. And I want that for him too.

So today was productive and made me feel a whole lot better about my recovery and I feel like my hard work is paying off. I know that I have a long way to go and I'm not even close to being totally healed yet, but I feel so so so so so much more hope and optimism and I have so far.

Here's the pictures from my scope this afternoon:

(Left: breathing in Right: holding the sound "e")

Day 20, 21 & 22

So sorry that I've been slacking on the blog! I've been doing my math homework, working out and practicing with my new light studio that my mom got me for graduation.

Bad news for the past three days: Just found out that the fall graduation application deadline was the same as the summer application deadline. Since I knew I wouldn't finish my class by summer graduation I didn't apply for graduation. Now- I can't get my diploma until next spring anyway. I am really mad about it but I'm still gonna hoof it to finish my math class and send in my application. When I can talk I'm gonna go in to the advisors and see if there's any way they can make an exception- considering it's just the one class and it will be done in a matter of weeks. But we'll see.

I've got my follow-up with Dr. Olson tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous. I want to know how things are doing in there!

Last night I had another surprise visit from Skye and Juba. I made Skye watch two horror movies, which was really fun. I love being scared (by movies!)

I can't wait to get better and get back to singing. I'm antsy.

Alright, well I'm gonna get back to my math now! Bye!

For fun, here's my favorite picture I took of Daniella with my light studio:

Day 19

Today I woke up earlier than I have been, which was nice. I havent been able to fall asleep lately. My body gets tired around 8:30 and I dont want to do anything, but my eyes just wont relax and I dont actually fall asleep until really late. I think it's probably some sort of anxiety about my voice or something.

So I woke up earlier than usual and cleaned my entire apartment. It felt good to be in a clean house. We relocated the potty patch to a place where we've found more messes so hopefully this helps solve our problems! So far today I havent seen any messes, which is good.

I went to visit my Dad and step mom today, which is always really nice and makes me happy. I talked with them for a little and we hung out in the grass with Bubbles and George (the dog and the turtle) and I took home my fancy photography stuff my mom got me for graduation. I am going to play around with it this weekend and maybe take some pictures of Diana for practice- if she'll let me!

Day 18

I can't believe that I only have twelve more days of this! It's definitely going faster than I anticipated. I still have a lot more to get done. For instance, it was one of my goals to finish all of my math homework before I could speak again. That way all I have to do is mail them in and take the tests. I'm not worried though. I ran into a snag (I needed graph paper and then couldn't find a pencil or calculator to save my life!) so I went to the store and bought some new ones. So while I'm well on my way, I still have a long way to go.

I wanted to have a resume written, but part of the problem is that I have heard that you should tailor your resume to the job you're trying to get... but I don't even know what kind of job I'm trying to get! I don't even know how to get a job! I mean I kind of do... I just... yeah I don't know!

I went to the gym today (finally) it was kind of scary. When I went the first time there were two people already there on the elliptical machines, which is the machine I wanted to use. So I went back to my apartment and ate lunch, then I went back and worked out for 45 minutes (elliptical 1/2 hr, bike 15 min) and then did some yoga stretches. It was nice and I feel good. I will be going again tomorrow.

I read online that Drew Carey lost 80 lbs by working out for 45 minutes a day 6 days a week and eating no-carb and drinking nothing but water! I'm not going to do that, but I will try the 45 min. a day, 6 days a week thing. And for two weeks i"ll be doing the no-carb thing, but I really agree with the South Beach idea in that you learn how to eat the right kinds of carbs and fats instead of just depriving yourself of those things forever and ever.

I've been really enjoying cooking lately. I've been working on cooking nice and healthy for me and Kenneth. Tonight I made a really yummy chicken casserole thingy with low-fat cheese, rotel tomatoes, onions, and a homemade cream-of-nothing soup that I made with arrowroot powder instead of a flour or wheat based thickener. I was very very happy with the way it turned out. It felt like it shouldn't be good for me, but it was. We had black beans on the side that I seasoned with lime and a spicy Mrs. Dash blend.

Today was a good, productive day. I hope that tomorrow shapes up to be just as nice. I am planning on going to see my dad tomorrow, so that should be good!

Goodnight :)