Day 30- THE END... kind of

I just spent some time and read the first entry I posted in this blog. It was interesting to see how much has changed and how much can happen in 30 Days. I had no idea what I was in for and was very scared. Now I am less scared, but every now and then I do get very antsy and worry that I might be talking too much. I have to calm down and remind myself that I am allowed to talk and that if I don't I could develop a phobia! And any sort of phonophobia could greatly hurt my recovery.

In my first entry I made a list of goals for my "30 Day Challenge"

1. To go 30 days without speaking, or speaking minimally when I'm allowed

2. To lose a little weight, like 10 lbs would be cool

3. To finish my math class and reapply for graduation

4. To begin work on a cabaret

5. To relax and make a plan for my life after college

I can say, with all honesty that I went the entire 30 days without speaking or speaking minimally when I'm allowed! And for those who were making bets or keeping score, I officially went 10 whole days without saying a word. On the eleventh day I said two words and spent several more days not speaking at all. After my follow up appointment with Dr. Olson I have been speaking more regularly, as I am allowed 5-10 minutes an hour, or I guess I'm allowed more now haha! I am really antsy and want to sing REALLY BAD, it's pretty much all I want to do, and it's taking every last ounce of will power I have to not open my mouth and let it all out. I greatly look forward to the day I can start singing, even gently. I still have not heard from Cara Sauder or anyone from her office. I may have to take matters into my own hands and call her myself. I think I can check this item off my list.

As far as losing a little weight goes, I forgot to weigh myself today but I don't really think the exact pounds matter so much as how I feel and the changes I've made to my lifestyle. I know it takes longer than 30 days to make a lifestyle change, but it's a good start. I have been working out every day, some days at the gym and sometimes I practice yoga at home. I have changed my eating habits and have been watching portions. I have been training in acrobatic yoga with Diana several times a week. I think that matters more than how many pounds I lost. So I will cross this item off my list as well.

I worked very hard on my math class, but it's not done yet. It will be done in the next 20 days. I have also reapplied for graduation. So I cannot cross this entirely off the list, but I did work on it some!

I have begun work on my cabaret in the sense that I started collecting songs. I know what I want to do, I just need to really figure out how to connect it all into a cohesive theme and plan and plan. I still need to do as much work as I can without singing. I think I didnt work on it as hard as I wanted to because I have kind of stopped looking at myself as a singer... because I havent done it in so long. I know that I am a singer and that I will sing again... but it's going to take a lot of time to rebuild my confidence and relearn all my technique.

I've certainly done a lot of relaxing since my surgery, and now it's time for me to get off my ass and figure out my life. My plan is to get any sort of job doing anything and save money and move me and my family (boyfriend/dogs) to NYC in August 2012. It's not a very glamorous plan, but it's my plan and I'm sticking with it .

I think the most important thing I have learned these past 30 days is that I have to remain hopeful and optimistic... I spent a lot of my time being worried and nervous and preparing for the worst. And it was no way to spend my time recovering. The happiest I was the past 30 days was when I wasn't thinking about the outcome and was just spending time with people who love me.

I have a long way to go from here. I still have a lot of healing to do. I have to relearn how to speak and sing. I have to get a job and start putting away for our big move next year. But I think that in the past 30 days I have made good use of my time and can now move forward with confidence in myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Thank you all so much for reading the past 30 days. It means a lot that I have so many people who care about me and my recovery. I look forward to reconnecting with you all and eventually to sing with some of you! It's weird not being in school and not getting to see all of my friends every day. Some of my friends have moved away already, and I wish them the best and brightest. I can't wait to one day be there with them. I could not have done any of this without the love and support of my friends and family. Thank you all so so so much.

Goodnight :)